| Balls. |
[Friday//November//27th//2009
7:52pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 gloomy |
] |
I just wrote an entire letter for one of you.
I can't say who, obviously.
Although I was very close to embarassing myself and everyone and posting it publically on my Livejournal, for all to see, even the bald.
Really though, I am dissapointed mainly in myself that I didn't post and that I am holding back feelings that are adressing the real issues. I want to tell you how sad I am about you and how I don't know if I can do this.
All of a sudden, I just had a pang of "WE ARE NOT THE SAME ANYMORE".
And to make matters worse, I will end this post abruptly.
|
|
| Ladies and their sensitivities, mi'lord. |
[Tuesday//November//10th//2009
5:41pm] |
|
I am so sensitive lately! All I want are details about everyone, even strangers.
Hmmmmmmm, Levi has returned, should I call him? Probably not. But I want to. I think I will. I don't know. Ho Hummm.
I just printed out like 9 pictures of unibrows. Is this what school is all about? No, but I'm ready to die now.
This is how I view things. If they are magical and great, I love love life and have this Ah, life is short to not live it up a lil! attitude. But when days are shit, I want my life to be over. Or when I don't know what's going on.
Well anyway, I got it from Anges, and she got it from Jim, we all agree it must have been Louise who gave it to him. Louise got it from Harry, and Harry from Marie, and we all agree Marie got it from me.
|
|
| If this were Twitter, these would be my daily Tweets, Gross. |
[Wednesday//November//4th//2009
1:06am] |
|
As I was driving today, listening to The Dresdies, the car in front of me, had those two Dresden Doll stickers the one that says You Cant Stop The Truth From Leaking. I wanted to die. I felt so good.
My hair is soft.
I am currently fully loaded with herpes and sugar.
I am kind of popular amongst the LAVC theatre rats, as they like to call themselves, but I try to keep it on the hush hush side because I am not proud of this.
There is nothing I enjoy more than to come home after school to see a sleeping dad on his bed.
My new doc martens are seriously all mighty.
I applied to the UC's. It made me think about how much money I do not have and will never have.
I be tinkin' it's time to be in a relationship. Tis the season to be all snuggley, no? Well, according to Coffee Bean, Christmas is in fact here. Yum.
Some days, I literally go without speaking or touching one single human being. It makes me glad for the cat.
But I am sure this is common.
People either always say they think I am judgmental or they find my honesty refreshing. I do not care about either of these, because I just do what my dad does anyway.
I got rid of my rug and just have bare wood floors now.
My math teacher pities me.
I can't handle my own problems, but I love to hear about yours.
I think Obama is taking a nap right now.
Fuck Julia Childs.
|
|
| HEY EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU. |
[Thursday//October//29th//2009
10:26pm] |
Woah, all of ya'll are going to be in Nor Cal this weekend whilst I shall be alone in my room crying and cuddling with the cat, who like Alix, has pink eye.
love(hate),
Why
|
|
| I should be doing work, but instead will post! |
[Monday//October//26th//2009
4:14pm] |
|
WIN
-Second date with Levi. We saw An Education and had Tai Food. I may be in love with him.
-B on Philosophy test scored completely by Emaline
-Trader Joe food for at least another two weeks
-New Shampoo
-A new appreciation for bullshitting
-Improv confidence
-Origins! I have never found so much love for a skin product
-Just a general less caring so hard
LOSS
-No kiss, only hug, on the second date. What does that mean? He was sick though, so that was probably why. I may be in love with him.
-F on math test after hours of studying and math tutoring. I suppose it was only fair to rain on my parade.
-Money in general
-Motivation to actively search for auditions
-Probably sleep or something
-Kind of needy, so I guess that's a loss of uhm, hard-assdom?
-This whole friends all over the place is really stupid for me
-Daniella, who is definitely going to start get angsty real soon. I should not have given her my Dawson's Creek collection. Now she knows what beards are.
-Just a general less caring so hard
Summer, you are so missed.
|
|
| Gaining Control |
[Thursday//October//22nd//2009
12:43am] |
I would love nothing more than to be with you people right now.
The control is coming back slightly, and I feel very anew, however, I am still very worried all the time and can't seem to ever relax, unless I am hugging someone special, or cuddling in my bed.
For example, I ran out of printer ink. As soon as I got some more, I felt very accomplished in a way. But then, it all went to shit when I realized that I have way more important things to do than go get printer ink. But where would I be without it? And so on.
All I know is, keep posting hilarious posts, because honestly, I live for them these days. I feel like laughing is so not on the priority, even whilst at the Groundlings, I am seriously learning, and not seriously laughing at the other scenes, which is probably making me look grumpy, which I am.
I will have enough money to do anything I want come Christmas break, and I hope it is not spent on Winter Session. Oh my god! No way no way no way.
Oh Yeah, see this film immediately:
Shalom.
|
|
|
[Saturday//October//17th//2009
3:17pm] |
| [ |
music |
| |
I wish I knew. But I don't. |
] |
If this tomato/cucumber/salt/olive oil/lemon and cayenne salad does not cure my anxieties, I do not know what will. Perhaps Mexican food with an actual Mexican? Does anyone know? To me, all cures can be found in some sort of spice/ juice from something/ root/ vegetable. Is this wrong? If so, should THEY not share my C??
I've listened to every genre of music to help me relax and nothing is appealing. And I'm a horrible napper. Why sleep during the day, I mean, what sense is there in that? Am I so selfish that I would take up the sun's time and energy just to ignore it and sleep through it? Why be awake at all if I am just going to back to sleep.
People at work think I am awkward and neurotic. I find this to be an unfounded conclusion, since they only see me where there are like, 20 odd drinks to be made, and people are yelling and shouting and burning them selves, and jallepeno's are on FIRE. Why would I be calm? I was not hired to be calm, I was hired to be really intensely enthused and exact about making Pure Vanillas. Also, how is this supposed to be natural looking. Of course I am awkward, why else am I making a fucking Pure Vanilla at nine in the morning. This is not right.
Tinkin' about names recently. Massachusetts. Do you think that was a name for a person before it was for a state? I mean, isn't it similar to Madison or Morgan or Mason or Madalyn or something? Massechusetts definitely could be someones name. I feel the same way about Capricorn. I mean, where did Gertrude come from? How is that a name and not Capricorn? I mean, shit like Montana and Virgina are allowed. WHy.
Clearly. I am retired for life.
|
|
| To be read, interupted, and then read. |
[Sunday//October//11th//2009
12:28am] |
Dear Catastrophe,
I have been getting the feeling that you hardly acknowledge my existence. You are treating me as if we have never met before. I am anxiety ridden and cold as Babara Walters and still, you don't see that I am just trying to please you. Catastrophe, if you won't be nice to me what is the point of me going to hell and back, tired and aching from ingrown toenails and stress? You think I like have to cater to your unforgiving ways? You think I enjoy having less than a plastic baggie worth of trusted people I can depend on? Even they do not approve of our on-again-off-again relationship. I obsess over you, I admit it. You are very attractive, I like your bags under your eyes and the way you say the word, "question", as if it were a quest. You are in many ways, everything I have always wanted. But you, my honeysuckle, are taking a mighty toll on my body, for I am covered in physical aches and problems. I have been sick for you, and I have bled for you, and now I am wheezing for you. Therefore, consider this note a small warning, that if you continue this physical pain in which I am still enduring in multiple regions, I am going to have to trade you in for Joy. She's much more considerate, and knows nothing of aches. A lot of people know her, and spend the rest of her days with her. I have been with you faithfully and I feel as though this would be the correct way to go. All I do it think about the infinite number of nightly retainer wearing girls and boys in the world who don't know why they are asking for so much. Or how much removal is healthy when it comes to being apart of this country? Or how guilty I feel for leaving everything in my house plugged in when it is not in use. Or different ways to escape reality, one by visiting The Grove, the other by diving into books. Or if I would have less to think about if I was never taught to read. Or where all of the discarded food, lent, pennies, nail biting, stray hairs, empty lip glosses and eraser shedding go to. Besides, my analyst says that I should be more a people person anyway.
|
|
| Anyways.... |
[Wednesday//September//30th//2009
8:03pm] |
Wanna see my new bicycle?
This is in loving memory of less than three month old Specialized. You were a great friend. You are loved and missed. And Let us say... Amen.
|
|
|
[Monday//September//28th//2009
10:44pm] |
|
Banging. Head. Against. Wall.
|
|
| Still Septemeber, but what for? |
[Monday//September//21st//2009
11:01pm] |
|
Is there any reason for anything to be good Ginny? I mean really...
What a shit hole, am I right people?
If it's not one thing, it's another. If it's not work, it's play, and if it's not play, it's appointments, and if it's not appointments, it's people, and if it's not left, it's right. You can't go wrong if you are going right. Am I right people? How retarded of me.
I don't know where anyone is at because I am too busy being sad. Can we all agree on that?
There's no distraction too! Not a one. Unless you call making $400 a month distraction enough. Which it isn't. Yes?
What is there to understand, really. Except that I do not, and will never understand why I am living in an ant farm of people, and that I will get eaten by the system eventually and that I am nothing but a tiny micro person, and all I have is my room and my friends. When actually, I want to be a big person in a system that I know and where I feel not constantly eaten by. And if I don't want to learn math or philosophy, I would not have to, you know? Man. Jesus. Christ.
Nothing to say except hip hip hooray for America.
|
|
| Oh September, you fill me with bread and sorrow. |
[Monday//September//7th//2009
11:44pm] |
|
I just ripped a hole in the crotch of my pajamas.
I feel askew now.
If only I had the courage to actually buy my dream nightie from Target. But who want's to spend $14.99 on sleepwear when potentially, you could just be naked. It's like paying to sleep. I am a jew by blood and simply will not buy new ones. However, this recent development might do the trick. I'm so glad you are interested.
I hate school, I hate life, I hate technology (other than my computer used for this Livejournal), and I hate math. I hate seeing others held down by money and I hate others being let loose by money. I hate those who depend on their boyfriends and I hate my inability to have long nails. Actually, I don't really hate that, I just need some changes.
For example, I save 5 dollars everyday in an olive jar. I am going to be a millionairess come next year, and I can finally audition to be on Millionaire Matchmaker.
This needs to be discussed. Facebook is getting outta control. I literally do not know when I started to be obsessed with it and relying on it for actual information but I feel very stupid. I want it to be over and I want nobody I know to have one so that I can not have one. I was in love with it before because it was unlike Livejournal and Myspace and everything. But now it's so wacky and weird for me. Facepalm. Type y.
Many things are out of control these days, no? My feelings for one. The world for second.
I really really really want closeness but have no idea where to go for it. I tend to go to Paul's though, because his house is on my way and back from work each day of my biking life. And we attend the same college. However, how far can mutual boy/girl closeness go, I mean really. Sometimes, when I am outside his building, hoping he answers or someone accidentally lets me into the building, I feel like I WOULD be a girl who was in love with Paul. But I am not in love with Paul. I actually dislike him most of the time, openly. He is the only person who I can mostly get instant closeness with. Proximity and convenience being key, but also, he's such a wide eyed asshole that I feel like I must be involved constantly. It just feels really sad when I realize that our closeness has a limit, one that probably has already been met. I know this because today I brought him a 700+ calorie blueberry muffin, because he is trying to gain weight, because he got William Barfee' in Spelling Bee, which I did not get into, but he was not home. And I waited on my bike for 7 minutes roughly at 9:30pm on Labor Day. Holding a muffin. For Paul. My friend. Who I only care about when it is needed. And right now, he is needed on most days. If you're still worried about the muffin, Rossana will probably eat the little guy for breakfast tomorrow morning. She loves pastries.
Goodnight.
|
|
| Out of Control and Inside a House |
[Friday//September//4th//2009
10:16pm] |
Nothing really describes how shitty it is to be totally wrong. I did not get into Spelling Bee, and I accept that. I actually do not accept that, I reject that, I am telling myself to accept that. I suck as philosophy, but when I read my paper about What is Philosophy inside my house at dinner, my dad said I will get an A+. I feel like I am losing everything I have learned in a year in one foul swoop. I also am realizing that not matter how cool it is to love school, I am finding it more difficult to love something so sacred in society that I feel to be an obsticle, not an opportunity. Perhaps this is derived from a financial standpoint, seeing as I alone cannot pay for this shit. Four hundred dollars for three lousy textbooks which I will return A.Q.A.P is the dummest idea I have ever heard. I don't know what I am saying. I know there is no solution to this and I accept that The United States of America is not kind to those who reject its ways. I feel trapped in a consumer culture, to say the least. Robb is leaving for the UK tomorrow and frankly, it is upsetting as well. Another thing to be upset with is how come the moment you realize you cannot live without a certain person, they leave to some unattainable place. Is that the way it works for everyone? If there was a way to compile this load into some sort of artistic complilation, I SO would. But the only way I know how to say it is the way that it comes out. I can't write songs or write poetry or anything that would feel remotely serious. I always tell people that I am never serious. That means, I will never be serious with you, and you will never see it, so therefore, I am never serious. I have trouble being serious or sad.
But right now, I feel seriously sad and fucked.
|
|
| Self-Aware |
[Monday//August//24th//2009
1:29pm] |
|
This seems to be the theme going on in my head right now so, I think everyone should take part in it as well.
Share some things that you like about yourself, physically, emotionally what have you. I just want to hear you say them out loud, so I know that you're self-aware. I mean, I know you are, but I just want more baaang for my buck, you know? Yes, this was mildly inspired by (500) Days of Summer, but also, just way more.
I'm just lacking the feeling of...togetherness.
|
|
| Studio |
[Friday//July//31st//2009
10:10pm] |
The Vegan Plate is a great place to have dinner with someone you love as much as a dad. I had the spicy mint leaf special, came with brown rice in the shape of a heart, spring roll, salad, miso soup, garlic tofu with peppers and a thai iced tea. My dad wore the t-shirt I bought him at an Israeli garage sale that I went to while he was gone. We sat in silence, but it was very nice, kind of somber, but uplifting in a weird way. The fact that he loved the food was very important to me. He even came home and called my uncle about it.
Seeing Robb in Van Nuys was very needed. We haven't seen eachother, other than Skype that is, since April. He is very very key in my life. All we do is laugh and agree and sympathize and joke and be ourselves. We are similar. And we have a unique relationship that I love.
Park Privado, another late night destination, never ceases to provide my heart with the right amounts of happiness that I require from one person and her family. Home Goods, on the other hand, may have been one of the most exciting endeavors we have ever been on, for completely unselfish reasons, I was partly responsible for a new night stand end table to enter Emaline's world. And perhaps Love Seat encourager, but that, along with car and multiple bike flats, is very karmic.
I am officially a clog wearer, I'll have it be understood, and I feel awesome. They're Berkinstock types, and very form fitting to the foot, though they are used! (Israeli garage sale; never fails)
I think having no loves in my life opens my eyes to loving my friend and fatherly and sisterly love more intensely. And myself even. It's a food focus for me, because whenever I have a prospect or a love in mind, I am unfocused, un-attatched and un-caring for much of anything or anyone until I can achieve the mutual affection. It's weird and needy and I wish I could just D-GAF it when necessary.
Without the Studio, how would I have ever known these things? Ah yes, the question at hand. Is it Studio City that I find so remarkable and eye-opening? Or is it just because summer is my favorite season. Or is this happening to all of you.
Also, can someone please define the word hipster?
|
|
| I'm up! I'm up! God. |
[Friday//July//10th//2009
2:13pm] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Coconut Records wha-gain |
] |
500 days of Lazy Ass Summer?
I am going to be home alone for two weeks starting Saturday. I will have literally no relatives in sight. So more like, I will be home alone in the United States for two weeks. I will be lonely yet I am very excited for this.
So wassup? Not much. Yeah dudes, I need to figure my hair situation. I honestly have never been so distraught. And while I'm at it, I should probably figure out how I am going to graduate from a University with a very tight budget and I forgot how to get financial aid.
Later kids.
|
|
| Weird Good |
[Thursday//July//2nd//2009
11:15am] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Coconut Records |
] |
Good Morning, I feel so weird!
However, I leave for Argentina in nine days. Who wants some leather? Not I.
Here. Have this.
|
|
| New York Homecoming, LA Loving, and Kaitlin Holding |
[Sunday//June//21st//2009
11:01pm] |
|
Dear Friends,
When I meant "leave your info here" and you'll get a postcard, I meant... I hope I have enough money to buy everyone postcards and send them in time and remember. Which I didn't. And I'm a terrible human. And let's not be friends anymore, because you don't deserve this treatment. I'm just a kid, and my life is a nightmare.
On a New York note, it was grrraaaaaNND. But alas, I am not, and will never be, Carrie Fucking Bradshaw. Merely Evan Rachel Wood being in idiot in NY with Larry David. But minus Larry David, although I long for his company. Christina Schnabel, you are great.
I think I just will stay here for now. With my fancy vanity and my fancy refrigerator and my fancy job, that I spread to everyone. I am not fancy. Although, a man named Ken apparently, has left a note on my '95 Toyota Camry with horrible paint chips asking if I was willing to sell my car to him immediately. So I guess my car is enough to make me look good. If not good, then a grandma.
Kaitlin.
I can tell how badly this must be for you. The reason I can tell is because your posts are vague and un-happy again and I can't read them because it hurts me to know that you are vague in your head. I'm sorry for this. I'm more angry at this, but really, you're such a great girl, and we all love you here, and we're going to have the best summer, and please feel better and clear and happy soon because he is not worth your bridge over his troubled waters. In fact, he can drown!
So whenever you get sad... imagine yourself here:
|
|
| Leaving |
[Monday//June//8th//2009
11:35pm] |
Be in New York until June 20th. If ya'll want a post card, leave yo info here.
love youzz
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
|
|
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
fragglebeliever's journal