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Just kill me. I'm going to have an anxiety attack. [Tuesday//August//9th//2011 1:16am]
Why can't I be a lone for ONE FREAKING SECOND? I'm so crazy. Not having anyone here really makes me think about seeing a therapist, but really, I know that I just want to be with someone! I can't take people leaving me. I really can't. Deal. I don't need to see a therapist, I just need a body in my presence at all times, and why is that such an issue?

So, come back.

No one even really left yet. It's all temporary, really. But I continue to writhe in my own filth and stay up too late and work everyday only to feel lonely when I return.
The worse part about it is, well, I don't even want to say because it will just sound lame on the internet.
1 woody // allans

Quick Interval [Wednesday//March//2nd//2011 5:35pm]
You're always there for me when I just want to be.
2 woody // allans

Doom! [Thursday//December//30th//2010 11:59pm]
I am in this big room of doom. I can’t get out of it, see. It’s just a big but kind of narrow room. It can be a good one or it can be a shit one with the ceiling falling out, but not an escape roof, just bad architecture. Oh, what do I do! I don’t have anyone’s numbers written down or memorized so I can’t make a phone call. I have no money so even if I did, I can’t make the pay phone cooperate, even though you keep pressing zero like a million times. I exhaust myself and sit on the floor, which turns into lying down on it. I put my legs up, but to no avail, nothing helps. I am helpless. I have no friends, no support, no love other than my own, and I hug myself like a scared roley poley. What is the technical term for that insect? I’m sure it has to exist somewhere in the encyclopedia. Well anyway, my mother kept my encyclopedia so even if I wanted to look up the technical species genus name, she wouldn’t allow the research to continue further than that. Suddenly, a man came into this room. He was stuck in there too, and thought and did the exact same series of things I just went through. I could tell because it was written allover his face. It was written on his shirt too, “I am just like you”. I knew I could relate with this man. As he met me on ground zero, we turned out heads towards one another and smiled a grin. We were stuck; we had no friends, no support, no money, no food, no life. Our life was this, from now on. I thought it only fair to speed up things and get my name out. “I’m Vanessa!” I cried, only realizing that it’s impolite to yell on a first meeting. “I’m Paul” Paul said, calm as tea. I immediately thought how I had never met an Paul before so I asked for his last name. “Paul” he said again. “Your name is Paul Paul?” I thought this person was sent from lord and heaven already. “ Yeah. I mean, what? No.” “What is your name?” “Paul Auster” Oh. Oh. “Oh, Paul-Auster” I separated. It felt better to know he was Paul Auster and not this magical Paul Paul. He didn’t ask my last name so I didn’t tell him my name was Vanessa Vazquez and until years later when it came up by accident as I was being introduced to a large group of people. I knew this man was impressed by me because he kept speaking to me. You know, just because one is stuck in a room, doesn’t mean one has to say anything, you know. The room was still helpless, but I felt like I still had some weird assistance. I think he did too, which is why we instantly fell in love. However, our love was not enough to get us out of the room so Paul and I began to stop talking. In fact, we built a physical barrier with our bodies so that we couldn’t look or talk to each other. But since the barrier was built with our bodies, our only resource, we could definitely feel each other there. It stayed like that for a year. I can’t turn around unless he does. If I turn around one more time and find him still stiff as a barrier, I would not be able to bear this room anymore and I would have nothing. If he doesn’t look back, if he quits me, then he can forget about my weight holding up his half of our barrier of silence. He’ll fall down too. We’re not so different. The more I hate him, the more I love him. He can never leave the mindset of the room because the fact is that we are still trapped in here. It’s sad knowing that the only way out of the room is to build enough love or to have someone else bail us out. Bail costs like, $4,000.00 dollars though so, I don’t believe anyone loves either one of us enough to do that. I don’t think anyone can stand either one of us, really. If that’s too self-depricaitng for your taste, then you’re absolutely right I should be punished. Life’s no fun when you’re stuck in a room and you’re making a physical barrier with your body with someone who forgets about you everytime.


I don't know if it is because it's the end of the quarter but... [Friday//November//19th//2010 12:53am]
I kind of hate myself!


Feel Like It [Sunday//October//24th//2010 11:41pm]
I feel like updating.

This is going to be very cryptic, I can just tell.
Just got home from improv practice. I love da guyz. Eli Mandel picked and dropped me off, which was awesome. He came up for tea and chips. I feel validated a as a human being again.

And I say again, because I often times do not.
Like when I get no affirmation.

I love it when things fall gently and one and a time, as they have been and I should be happy. I am happy.
But I am also being princessy right now.

Lot's O Facebook. Should be reading Orestes. Don't think I'm gunna. At least I am memorized for everything.
(3 monologues and Holy Ghosts)

LET'S SEE. Can't figure out this guy sitch. It is making me really sad.
I should not feel sad.
I am going to try to feel better.
I have no idea how that is possible.
I think I am a guy's girl.
I think this because I have made no girlfriends at UCSC that I didn't already have or must be by some "This is my girlfriend!" default. Which is fine too.

I am SO glad not to be at Valley anymore.

barf barf barffffshitasssfuckshithole

Okay, but seriously, three cups of tea today? Acceptable? It was raining, come on.

Okay Okay, this is what I really want to say, here it is:

All I want... is requited, open feelings, all the time. I need to know if things are too slow, too fast, too awesome, too terrible. I need to know it all. And if I don't, I will continue to go crazy and call the CVS pharmacy more frequently and the person I care for. I need to call CVS again tomorrow. They never give me what I want.
1 woody // allans

[Friday//September//3rd//2010 12:54pm]
AlcoholEdu is the bane of my existence.


in my undergarmets, i think more clearly, i think [Monday//August//23rd//2010 1:14am]
First, allow me to begin with this:

Okay, this is the ideal goal people.

Secondly, I am hungry but it's 1:13 am and I am hot.

this may seem like a pointless post, but really, it's not.
I think affection is really an important thing to be shown.

[Wednesday//July//14th//2010 2:33am]
F this, I hate nighttime.

At least Molly's party was fun.

Miserable is better than horrible, but horrible is better than nighttime. [Friday//July//2nd//2010 12:45am]
I just discovered a plethora of websites on on my very awesome, cool co-workers, (the only one I have, really)
and let me tell you, she is even cooler than I thought she was initially. However, now I feel bad for being moody today when I was working with her. I should have savored it. I was being moody because I was still dwelling on the all the other bad co-workers of days ago. I only get to work with her every so often. Not only did I find all these blogs and things, made by her, but today, as we were taking the trash out to the dump, she had a pack of American Spirits tucked away her her very modest, worker's purse. I feel as though she deserves a medal or something. American Spirits are very emotional to me. Everytime I see an empty pack on the floor, I secretly want to pick it up and keep it, and have a collection. I've never even smoked before.

Now that June is over, I can't use June Gloom as an excuse anymore.
Either I pick myself up or I don't. To be honest, I know which one it is going to be, and it is not going to be the former.

I wish I could be more like my only good co-worker. She even has a husband. Wow! She has two last names now, which I think is very cool. I think she likes me too, but really, she is so nice to everyone, and hates negative energy, that it would be hard to tell. I complained to her today, and now I feel guilty and stupid. I should have continued not speaking at all. But I felt that was a bad choice too. There's nothing I can do about anything now. I'll just try again tomorrow.

I really hope for a time in my life where it is okay to be myself and do whatever I want with someone.

Luckily, this time will be arriving in a month.
1 woody // allans

[Saturday//June//19th//2010 12:47am]
i am drunk and i am on FAFSA.

this is terrible.

i hate this i hate this i hate FAFSA why do I need this.

i know why i need this, and i also know what electronic mail is, but i was reading old ads from the 60's and 70's and that was one of them and i laughed and it was a bright and shining moment.

next week, i begin my 5 day work week.

next week, i will drink all the wine in my house.

next week, i should be in santa cruz with emaline but instead, i am going to be here.


at work.

[Tuesday//June//1st//2010 11:26am]
[ mood | bitchy ]

I realized, many hours later, that I actually failed to type anything in this post.
Here's a thought:
Facebook won't recognize my e-mail or my password. Thankfully (not) it only seems to know my SFSU e-mail, which I don't have access to anymore, seeing as I do not go there. My SFSU e-mail usually forwards it self to my real e-mail, but I now am finding myself e-mailing my ex-school telling thing my Facebook problems. They never helped me before, there is no way they are going to help me now. Once I saw a shrink at that school and they were just like, yes yes, just get some rest!

Is this the end of Facebook for me?



IAIN IS HOT, I mean, just kidding. It's Carlo I'm after. [Friday//April//30th//2010 12:59am]

[Wednesday//April//28th//2010 1:39am]
it popped.

and what's worse, i didn't even feel it.

my family cannot watch movies. [Saturday//April//24th//2010 11:24pm]
What better way to incorporate a little culture into my seemingly cultured family's life than to rent them "Inglorious Bastards"! We all know this is the one of the best movies ever made, and we all see why I would want to see it again and show it to everyone I know.

My sister would NOT SHUT UP.
"Im confused, is that the same Nazi as the time before? Wait, are they talking in French or in German? Who is that. Wait, is that Hitler? Oh god, Oh god, why did she dieeeeee oh god."

Rosanna was traumatized. And you all thought I could not handle blood and gore in movies. It scared her so much, that she just generally did not like it. And then started to make all these other accusations of the actors that were so un founded and wrong.

My dad: "It was too gross and not funny enough. All the rest I love."

I can't take this. And immediately after, my dad was starving and complaining about food, and Rosanna complained about it and went to sleep and Daniella kept on pestering me with pointless shit.

I am never going to try to induce family time ever again. Especially not family movie night. Never. My dad kept repeating the german words out loud. Still, wow, Inglorious Bastards. Still so so good.
2 woody // allans

pain! [Tuesday//April//20th//2010 8:49pm]
This air bubble in my left lung will not pop and I cannot breathe in very deeply without wimping in pain. This makes working very difficult. I looked it up on the internet, because I have been getting a lot of them and apparently they are normal and always go away eventually. The clinical name is air emobolism, which makes it sound like an instrument. It's really uncomfortable.
2 woody // allans

riddles i create when i feel like saying " fuck!" [Tuesday//April//13th//2010 12:34am]
DO you think that it is true, what they say, that people who keep journals are healthier and better off than people who oppose the idea?

What about if you write down your exact emotion as you are feeling it? Is that the same or is that different?

What if you keep a journal, take eloquent notes, do paintings, type short stories and talk on the phone to release emotion. Is that better than just keeping a journal?

I cannot parallel park to save my life and i also bump my new tires on my curb causing me to panic every time about the alignment. is this of significance?

This girl I know named Sarah Miranda told me she had a bruise on her boob because " it was a good spring break." I think she expected me to laugh, but when I didn't, she felt really nervous. Should I have laughed at such a crude remark? I mean, for crying out loud.

I have constant dry-hand. Is this a real problem or do I just react completely normally to bleech?

Should I just say "fuck!"? Would that be helpful at this point? Even out loud?

I get paid a mere $8.25 and hour when my dad says I should be making $15.00. Is he right? I mean, $38.00 in tips is just enough for a week, and that is assuming I do not drive. I need bigger tips. I need more money.

I am going to go get some more money.
That may work.

More Intensity [Friday//April//9th//2010 9:12pm]
I know how to find the goods on all my secret obsessions that I love at coffee bean. The main old guy, let us refer to him as Regular Ice Blended Mocha, Dome Lip, No Whip, has been my friend this whole time but recently has been sitting with me on my breaks, and has deep meaningful conversations with me. He sets it all straight for me. And also pats my shoulder lovingly. Today, I just grabbed him by the sides, but not a hug, when we parted ways. And the fact that he went to UCSC is so strange to me. Also, another adult coffee bean friend today confided in me that he has baby mammas, which is sweet really. And I also learned today, from another one, that he melted his wedding rings today and got $400 for the set. How lame! I gave him a free 32 ounce iced tea though. And then, I learned that the guy who sits in coffee bean all day and never leaves, is divorced. I think he is gay though, since he reminds me so much of Colin Firth in A Single Man, minus the sex appeal, but still some physical similarities. So many people to talk about, I feel like, but I can never do them justice here on Lj. Damn, all I want is to get paid to follow people around all day. Security Gaurd? Professional Creep? Jason Schwartzman? Who knows.

But Reg.Ice Blended Mocha, Dome Lid, No Whip is the most intense of the bunch. He is probably the oldest hottie I know.
Also, my english teacher from last semester and the one before wants to have coffee with me.

I am so perfectly okay with not having friends. Well, minus Julia and Alex who entertain me whenever they happen to be past the 405 on the 101 Highway.

Back in Plaid [Monday//April//5th//2010 12:01am]
Dear Livejournal,
Stop advertising, it is simply making me ill! But in all seriousness people, spring break has been kind to us all. For are we all not white, rich girls wasting away at the college of our choice? I'm kidding, we're not all rich. Rich people tweet.

Gay,gay,gay where to start?

Ah yes, I am in love, so that's good.

Eddie Murphy is puttin the moves on other girls, it's fine, we talked it over, and I'm willing to sacrifice.

I am very excited about potentially working two jobs over summer, as to not work at coffee bean as much, seeing as I need to detox the NSA Vanilla out of my lungs. Also, the bleach is not helping with my thumb problem. I'm still all broken skin-like because it can never heal properly.

People I have been stalking on facebook for no apparent reason other than it being spring break:
Sarah Baron
Ali Lovel
Kayley McMahon
Dean Nichols
Tyler Cornfield
Aimee Chick

Well, the typing business has been going well. I am getting much neater. My goal is to be very professional and good at typing so that I can not use my printer really ever, seeing as I cannot afford the ink.

I have three cups of coffee a day, a two of tea. This is good.

Daniella is a cool girl, afterall.

How do I know if my dreams are coming true? They probably are, but I won't be able to tell till I am like, 25 or something. Or maybe, I know right now.

Hope this wasn't too cryptic for you all!
5 woody // allans

eleven:thirty am, looking fine [Friday//March//26th//2010 11:38am]
I have exactly two hours until the longest work shift of my life. 1:30-10:00pm. If I am not mistaken, that is nine hours of nothingness seeing as it is Shabbos and NO ONE comes on Friday. Lovely.
Ryan is visiting me though, and that is a major plus of course, well, that is if he brings me a sandwich, for I am going to be pretty hungry, I am now realizing I live my life on the basis that people will present me with sandwiches.

I dropped my night Shakespeare class. I never dropped a class until this semester. Transfer ya'll.

I want two jobs. Or something.

Poop, I thought I had more to say but I don't.

wah wah wahh so emotional [Tuesday//March//16th//2010 1:06am]
Why UCSC, are you taking your sweet Santa Cruz time? Not fair.

Breaking News: Michelle Obama has FLEAS! Which means I have fleas, which explains a lot.

I want to live in a single and be 30, is this too much to ask?


Ah, sweet sweet acceptance. I really should learn to be more patient in life. My thumb would appreciate it. I feel very accomplished and good.
2 woody // allans

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